Sunday, May 25, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Put your foot down

"We had a great sex life before we got married, but it’s just about gone now."

By Blane Bachelor

Q I desperately need your help with a difficult problem I’m trying to deal with. I’ve been married to my wife for 11 years. We had a great sex life before we got married, but it’s just about gone now. The last time we had sex was at least six months ago. It’s driving me nuts! And here’s another thing: She has no problem using a battery-operated toy for her own pleasure. (She tells me that she’d rather use it than have sex with me; that it’s less messy and a “sure thing.” I take care of myself, too, but it’s not the same as the real-deal act with my wife.) I’m helpful around the house, I’m an all-around supportive husband, so I don’t think it’s anything I’ve done. Talking to her about it hasn’t helped, either. I’m starting to think about going elsewhere to get my needs met, but I hate the thought of doing that. We have a pretty good marriage otherwise and I love her. Please help me! —Starved for Sex

A From what I’ve heard from many married couples, it’s almost a given that walking down the aisle translates to less romping in the sack (unfortunate, but understandable). But the extreme that you describe—a sexless six months, and even worse, your wife’s treatment of you as she withholds the goods—is another matter entirely.

Pardon my forthcoming bluntness, but with the comments your wife dishes out about preferring a sex toy to you, her live, loving husband—not to mention your pent-up desire—it sounds like harshness is already a part of life for you these days. So I’ll say it outright: Your wife is behaving like a first-class bitch.

A couple of other possibilities to consider, though: 1) She’s dealing with depression or some other sort of emotional or mental imbalance that has contributed to her unhealthy view of a healthy act with her husband; 2) she’s unhappy with your abilities in the sack (that’s the only thing I can draw from that bizarre “sure thing” comment); or 3) she’s screwing around on you.

Whatever it is, since talking hasn’t helped, this issue might be best figured out with—I’ll go ahead and punt here—the help of a therapist. You say you have a “pretty good marriage” outside of this issue (which, given your wife’s behavior, sounds like a generous description), so you owe it to your commitment to explore how to save it. If your wife refuses to go, then I’d tell her she can take her battery-operated buddy and, um, shove it, because there are plenty of women out there who prefer their orgasms to come from an actual human being whose ability to provide pleasure goes far beyond an on/off switch.

I’m almost embarrassed to write this, but here it is: My girlfriend will not allow me to do much on my own without her. We’ve been dating for eight months now, and this problem has seemed to have gotten worse over the months. At first, we were spending almost all our time together, and it wasn’t really an issue. But lately, every time I’ve suggested getting together with my buddies—guys, for that matter—she freaks out. It doesn’t matter what it is—having a beer, going to a game or just hanging out playing video games. She thinks I’m going to cheat on her, even though I’d never do that. And she makes me feel guilty for wanting to be without her. Which is true; sometimes, I just want some time to myself or to hang out with my friends without her around. But I don’t want to deal with the grief that comes with it; I’d rather just not say anything. What should I do about this? —Feeling Trapped

Your gal doesn’t sound like a girlfriend; she sounds like a prison warden. I can’t believe she set you free long enough to write this letter.

Over time (the blissful early months of a relationship blind us to so much, don’t they?), your girlfriend has revealed herself to be a highly insecure, raging control freak/drama queen—and you’ve become a pawn in her little mind games. It goes without saying that a stable, healthy relationship is one in which both people enjoy separate interests and time alone, but I’ll say it anyway: A stable, healthy relationship is one in which both people enjoy separate interests and time alone. Keep going like this, and you’re doomed.

So, Trapped, what should you do? Try growing a sack and standing up to her. It’s time to put your foot down—and the other one right out the door the next time you get an offer to hang with your pals (if you can stand the heat they’re sure to dish out over your gf-inflicted emasculation). If she throws a fit, you need to decide whether it’s worth it being in a relationship where your role is more doormat than active, respected partner. 

Bottom line: The only relationships in which the word “allow” (as it pertains to personal freedom) belongs are those of parent/child and boss/employee—never, ever boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.