Sunday, July 13, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"
Sex and stupidity and keeping the two apart
Blane Bachelor answers your relationship questions
By Blane Bachelor
Q My best friend’s wife is really hot, and I’ve found myself flirting with her and trying to impress her. My best friend treats her like crap, never pays any attention to her and hates to even talk to her, so I told him that he should treat her better or she would leave. He said that she is OK to leave whenever she wants, and that he could care less. Our flirting soon went to another level, and we started having sex, which is great. But now I am falling for her, and she says that she will leave her husband (my best friend). She’s the girl of my dreams, and I really want this to work. My problem is: Can I trust her? And what do I say to my best friend? —So Unsure
A Lordy, what a juicy mix of sex and stupidity. Have you applied for a reality show yet? Your warped little love triangle could give Flavor Flav and his hot trollop-y messes a real run for their ratings.
Let’s first dissect the players to make sure we’ve got an adequate grip on the information, shall we? First, the girl of your dreams is a woman who 1) lets her husband treat her like crap; 2) decides to get back at the jerkoff by—what else? —cheating on him; and 3) does it with her hubby’s best buddy. Next, your best friend is a guy who 1) treats his wife like crap; 2) might very well be cheating on her, too; and 3) is so stupid he has no idea his “best friend” is giving his wife the business. Finally, you’re someone who 1) is banging his best friend’s wife; 2) is still calling him his best friend; and 3) takes no responsibility for his actions, instead saying he “found” himself flirting with a married woman in the first place. (I’m sure you just “found” yourself in bed with her, too, right?) Wow. You three sure present a shining example of humanity.
As much as you want to paint your buddy as the bad guy for being a prick of a husband, you’re just as bad as he is. You’re boning his wife, for chrissakes—the ultimate betrayal of guy code. In addition, the adulteress is the one who must take action by leaving her husband, which I’d pick 100-1 odds she won’t. So if you have any shred of integrity (which is, judging so far, highly debatable), the only thing to do is distance yourself from both of them. If she really loves you (and that’s a colossal if), she’ll divorce her husband to be with you (and she’s got a great track record with that fidelity thing, by the way). If your buddy wants to know why you’re pulling away, tell him being best friends with someone who treats his spouse so shabbily isn’t sitting right with you.
At least, I hope it isn’t. If it is, well, I hope his wife spills the beans about the affair and he knocks the lights out of you.
My birthday was last weekend, and my friends and family threw me a big party. As the night wore on, I noticed that my girlfriend of two years and my brother were missing. I went upstairs looking for them and found them making out. I was shocked, but also had suspected something might be going on between them, just a gut feeling. After the yelling was over, I told my girlfriend that I never wanted to see her again and also had some choice words for my brother. They even blamed me; how does that make any sense? Anyway, my other issue is that I work with my brother, and with jobs being hard to come by these days, I can't just go find a new job. So what should I do? —Betrayed
They blamed you for forcing their bodies and lips together during a passionate embrace at your freakin’ birthday party? I see two possibilities: Either you’ve omitted a bunch of critical info about what would make them both want to sabotage you, or they were drinking the same Cheating Cherry Kool-Aid as the guy above and his married gal at the neighborhood picnic.
Since I already skewered So Unsure so thoroughly, let’s give you—the assumed victim in another, though less severe, cheating indiscretion—the benefit of the doubt. Girlfriends come and go; be thankful you saw this one’s true colors before a ring was involved.
Dealing with your brother will be more challenging, and working with him without letting it affect your job or career will require you to take the ultimate high road. It won’t be easy, but keep everything as professional as possible, and please don’t fuel any water-cooler gossip about why you two aren’t as chummy as you may have been. The truth has a funny way of working itself to the surface, and when it does, your brother might be the one wanting to look for a new job. Finally, though it’s hard to think about now, after you’ve had time to cool off, maybe you can ask your brother why he’d pull such a stunt. At your freakin’ birthday party. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.