Sunday, August 10, 2008
Life, "Ask a Bachelor"

Runaway brides and reluctant wedding guests

Personally, I can’t imagine ever giving anything except a live grenade, let alone a second chance, to someone who bailed on our wedding two weeks out.

Q Wondering how you would handle something. Several years ago, I was scheduled to be in the wedding of a close friend. Two weeks before, he told me she had called the whole thing off. I then watched my jilted groom friend fall into a deep depression. I mean a serious, severe depression. He was literally going through hell, while in the meantime, several close friends learned, she called it off because she was seeing another man.

After moving about an hour away, I recently heard a rumor that he was again dating the fleeing bride. And, now, I get a call from him saying they are engaged, yet again, and they want me to attend the wedding. Am I just supposed to act happy for him? Am I supposed to just show up at the wedding, hug her and offer best wishes and forget the times I pulled him off the ledge, during seriously depressing—sometimes suicidal—rants because of what she did to him? I mean, he was in bad shape, while she was running around with another guy.

I know it’s his life and he has to make his choices, but part of me, as a good friend, wants to shake him and say “dude, don’t you remember what she put you through?” I liked this girl very much before all this happened, but not so much now. Do I really have to act like her friend now? —Reluctant Wedding Guest

If you want to stay friends with him, unfortunately, the answer is yes. But the key word—at least for now—is “act.” Given their history and your supportive role, your feelings are understandable, and at least this time you’re merely attending, not in the wedding party. As long as you can offer her congratulations without looking like you just drank a Pepto-Bismol milkshake, you’ll make it through the wedding just fine. Depending on the size, you may not even have to talk to her.

And as far as the future, who knows? A relationship is like a cocoon, and the only ones who truly know what’s going on inside are the inhabitants. It’s quite possible he’s been able to heal and forgive, and she’s realized she’s finally ready to tie the knot. And maybe you’ll get to know this couple again and see that they’re happy—you owe it to your friend to at least keep that in mind. (Personally, I can’t imagine ever giving anything except a live grenade, let alone a second chance, to someone who bailed on our wedding two weeks out. But your friend is probably a bigger person than I.)

Then again, it’s also quite possible he’s an agonizingly naïve soul whose love for this girl has made him blind to her fickle tendencies. Either way, you’ve answered your own question: It is his own life, and he has to make his own choices. If he wanted input on his decision to star in “The Runaway Bride: Round II,” he would have asked for it.

To answer your original question: Wondering how I would handle this. I’d probably draw blood from biting my tongue when the priest asked if there were any objections, get hammered on bubbly at the reception and start taking bets with fellow in-the-know friends on how long it would last. Then, after my hangover subsided, I’d regret my despicable behavior and try my best to give my friend’s new wife the benefit of the doubt.

I’m a 37-year-old single woman, no kids, never been married, and I’ve been with an extraordinary man (43) for the past three years. We’re both ready to get married, but there’s one major issue: his mother. She’s suffering from a number of illnesses and is a widow, and lives with him at his home. He has two siblings, but they refuse to do any part of their share of caring for her. It’s a horrible situation he’s in. But he won’t even think about putting his mother in a home or asking for more help from his brothers. So it all falls on my man. I can’t stand this, and I really don’t like his mother very much, either. She’s temperamental and suffers from dementia. If we got married, I’d move in with them. Can we make this work? —Don’t Want to Be Married to His Mother

Doubtful, unless you have a change of heart. Which I can only see happening if you somehow reframe your thinking—instead of seeing him as a doormat, can you instead view him as a compassionate, caring person taking responsibility for his aging, sick mother? And when you say you “can’t stand” this, you also need to consider what you’re referring to—the role as caretaker that you, undoubtedly, would also find yourself in as his wife? The fact that he’s allowed his siblings to refuse to help? That he’s willing to put his mother’s needs above his—and your—own happiness? All of the above? Since your boyfriend has made it clear that not much will change on his end, you need to figure out if anything on yours can, and answering those questions is a good place to start. SP
Freelance writer and columnist Blane Bachelor doles out dating and relationship advice in this space every week. Submit your questions at www.askabachelor.com.