Sunday, February 08, 2009
News, A+E, Food, Life, In this Issue..., Atlanta

25 things we love to hate

The people, places and problems Atlantans are never too busy to gripe about

Kim Zolciak and
Southside Steve Rickman
Spark St. Jude

“Delta’s got flights every day,” is one way of responding to all the carpers who criticize the Big Peach. It’s nicer than saying “So pack your s**t and get the hell out of town.” But we don’t always respond with a verbal eviction notice because, for those of us in the know, the type and quality of complaint sets real Atlantans apart from imposters. Real Atlantans kvetch about certain things because they love the city, warts and all. Besides, there is unity in our collective lamentations. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, here’s a love (to hate) letter to those people, places and things we love to complain about on a regular basis. Think of it as a cheat sheet for those who want to be seen as bona fide residents of the City That Used To Be A Railway Station.—Stephanie Ramage, Kevin Forest Moreau and Kirsten Ott

KIM ZOLCIAK AND “THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA”

The conspicuous consumption, the rampant egos, the backstabbing—what’s not to love/hate? The Bravo network struck gold last fall with this reality series following the lives of five nouveau-riche divas, and struck a nerve with Atlantans, who were vocal in their disdain but unable to stop watching. (Metro residents can take some measure of solace in the fact that the so-called “housewives” live not in Atlanta but its prosperous northern suburbs.) And while NeNe Leakes was arguably the show’s breakout star, its lightning rod has been Kim Zolciak, whose shifting loyalties, country-music aspirations and mysterious sugar daddy elevated her above Britney, Jamie Lynn and Jessica in the pantheon of “hot mess” icons.—K.F.M.
Read SP's full interview with Kim Zolciak.

SOUTHSIDE STEVE RICKMAN

Fans of Rock 100.5’s “The Regular Guys” morning show love to listen to Rickman get slapped, get shot at with a BB gun and made to inhale obnoxious odors. They also love to write scathing Internet posts painting him as a clueless redneck. What’s behind all this animosity? Is it his accent, his poor spelling skills or his claim to have bedded some 400 women? Well, yes. And the fact that he’s a nice guy makes those jealous souls hate him all the more.—K.F.M.
Read SP's full interview with Southside Steve.

BEING IN GEORGIA

Atlanta, with its glittering skyscrapers and gorgeous parks, is a bit like a fabulous hat on a morbidly obese church lady—it doesn’t improve Georgia’s image so much as draw attention to it. Worse still, Georgia hasn’t the faintest clue how to improve herself, so she sits all day and grouses about not having a plainer hat that might not make her look so bad. We Atlantans have learned to say “Georgia gives us that certain something” in much the same way that a south Georgian would say “Honey, your makeup looks great.”—S.R.




Photo by Barry Williams/Getty Images

TRAFFIC

From Ponce to Piedmont, from I-285 to Ga. 400, from I-85 to I-75 and the Downtown Connector, getting around Atlanta by car is anything but a gas. Throw in street names that change without warning (we’re looking at you, Monroe/Boulevard, Moreland/Briarcliff, Ponce/Scott and friends), people who walk in the street despite perfectly usable sidewalks, flocks of cyclists, those danged steel plates in the road and all those dad-blasted Peachtrees, and you’ve got one major rolling headache. It’s enough to drive a person to public transportation. Except for one thing …—K.F.M.

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION

Atlanta’s all grown up with its high-rises, big-time celeb-magnet nightclubs and restaurants, and luxury-brand stores like Louis Vuitton, Hermès and Valentino. But we still have dinky ol’ MARTA to get us around, while NYC and Chicago boast efficient methods of transport that reach all points and corners of their cities. We had hoped that the BeltLine would catch us up to the rest of the free world in terms of city transport, but now there’s talk that the 22-mile circle of light rail lines may be under too much of a money crunch to roll out.—K.O.

FULTON COUNTY

How much do metro Atlantans love to hate the F.C.? Enough that whole communities of them—Sandy Springs, Dunwoody, Milton and John’s Creek—have broken away, choosing self-governance over what they decry as a bureaucracy too large and unwilling to provide efficient services, distribute tax revenue fairly or just generally look after their interests. But starting up their own municipalities isn’t enough—some residents want to form their own county, as well.—K.F.M.

MCMANSIONS

We hate them now more than ever. After all, these monstrosities—many of them fittingly empty, more often than not awkwardly shoehorned into otherwise-charming residential neighborhoods—stand as giant, ugly symbols of adjustable-rate mortgages and the greedy lending practices that resulted in our collapsed housing market.—K.F.M.




Spark St. Jude
We don't hate Clark Howard, part of what makes Atlanta great

IT HAS NO SENSE OF PLACE

Everyone here is from somewhere else, and our most recognizable landmarks include a drive-in fast-food restaurant (the Varsity), a couple of office buildings (although the King and Queen are pretty impressive) and, well, a big chicken. We get it. But the people who gripe about such things are missing the point. Those qualities are all part of our identity—along with the Braves, Piedmont Park, Coca-Cola, Turner Broadcasting, some terrific universities, Clark Howard, Tyler Perry and some of the best music being recorded anywhere. And we wouldn’t have it any other way.—K.F.M.

SPRAWL

We hate to say it, but Atlanta has “secretary spread.” In its inactivity and laziness, the meat of the city has spilled from its core and is making for the outskirts. Consider the Cobb Energy Performing Arts Centre, which has lured the Atlanta Ballet’s performances just outside the perimeter (save for “The Nutcracker”). Or the fact that the metro area’s desirable neighborhoods are far up Ga. 400 or at least 10 miles outside the city either way on I-85. For a while, people were moving in town, but now increased crime is scaring away some of Atlanta’s best inhabitants.—K.O.

OTP

It’s true: Atlantans can get very snooty about folks who live outside the perimeter formed by I-285’s ring around the city. Until we realize that OTP includes, oh, just everyone else on the planet.—K.F.M.

PARKING

Who isn’t tired of the lack of decent parking? When planning to go out to eat, shop or play, it’s hard not to take into consideration just where in the heck we’ll park. From creepy street parking blocks away from our destination to suspicious people calling themselves “parking lot attendants” who charge $10 or $20 to “watch” our cars, we’re fed up and wondering why more businesses don’t take parking, or at least a safe form of alternative transportation, into consideration for us. Would a security guard break the bank?—K.O.

NO ALCOHOL ON SUNDAY

Seriously, people, Georgia’s alcohol law (also known as a blue law, which is enacted to enforce certain religious beliefs) prohibits the sale of alcohol in stores on Sunday, but you can order it in restaurants or bars where food is served. Do we need that kind of micro-regulation? No. And do we need to stand in a ridiculously long line at the liquor store on Saturday evening stocking up for Sunday’s drinking? No. We know we’re preaching to the choir on this one, but we’re sick of big government and its churchy friends cramping our Sabbath cocktails.—K.O.





Photo by Spark St. Jude
Taurus, another restaurant to bite the dust

RESTAURANT TURNOVERS

From Gary Mennie’s Taurus to Decatur’s Calavino’s, the grievous state of the economy continues to wreck restaurateurs’ lofty dreams and our enjoyment of their dishes as restaurants keep on closing. We dearly miss Vine in Virginia Highland and the Globe in Midtown, too. Truthfully, we never know if a restaurant is still open until we get to the front doors and find them unlocked. Fortunately, Atlanta’s suffering no shortage of good restaurants. Fingers crossed for no more closings of the ones we love (and good riddance to the ones we don’t).—K.O.

OVERPRICED COCKTAILS

For the love of all things affordable, why do the prices of cocktails continue to rise? Just when we got used to paying $8 or $9 for a premium liquor blend at fine restaurants and bars, the celeb-driven bars and lounges took over the city with their much-loved fresh bitters and house-made mixes, jacking the prices up to $15 per libation. Though we think they’re just as delicious as the rest of the drinks out there, we’re still outraged that one cocktail costs more than the dang appetizer we order to accompany it.—K.O.

THE MYSTERIOUS DROUGHT

Is it over? Is it still on? Do we still have to take quick showers? Will Lake Lanier ever be full again? And when the heck can we water our lawns? A year and a half ago, our water shortage was all anyone could talk about, and the whole state was weeks away from becoming a desert nightmare out of “The Road Warrior.” Now—who knows? It’s enough to make us want to take a long, hot bath. Or is that illegal?—K.F.M.

GUN LAWS

Last year, GeorgiaCarry.org sued over the right of gun owners to pack heat in the unsecured areas of Hartsfield-Jackson Atlanta International Airport. The battle continues, with the most recent reply in the appeal being submitted to the Eleventh Circuit Court on Dec. 31. But other legislation is flowing thick and fast from the Gold Dome, including a measure introduced a few weeks ago that would allow guns to be carried unholstered in public. And yet, we must admit that the recent wave of home invasions in Atlanta makes an eloquent case for gun ownership by law-abiding citizens.—S.R.

NEAL BOORTZ

The 63-year-old attorney-turned-nationally-syndicated-blowhard’s latest buzz phrase is “wealth envy,” which he sprinkles liberally on topics like his opposition to salary limits for the executives of companies receiving bailout funds. Hard to decide what we love to hate most. The over-prepped stentorian voice? The almost 4 million listeners (according to Neal) who call in to pat him on the back? Ol’ Neal’s not going to change anyone’s mind anytime soon, but for those who already agree with him, he’s nothing less than a revelation.—S.R.





ImageryMajestic
Single women have to hunt out eligible men in Atlanta.

DATING

It’s a fact that women outnumber the men here (in straight circles), and that can only mean one thing: With so many cougars and kittens on the prowl, the cat claws are out. Eligible men (translation: has a job, doesn’t live with his parents or other relative, won’t “forget” his wallet on a date and calls you the next day) are in good paws, er, hands. But with the demand outweighing the supply, we certainly sympathize with Atlanta’s single women.—K.O.

THE KING FAMILY

The King family’s propensity for squabbling over money (last year saw three King v. King lawsuits in four months) while living what appears to be a quite comfortable lifestyle is an embarrassment of riches that the Civil Rights movement can ill afford. David J. Garrow, whose biography of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. won a Pulitzer Prize, probably said it best when he told the New York Times last October, “Unfortunately all of the children seem to regard their father’s legacy as first and foremost an income maximization opportunity for themselves.”—S.R.

THE STATE LEGISLATURE

For those of you who are worried about finding a job or your kids being able to read, never fear: Georgia’s lawmakers are working hard for your right to pack heat, anytime, anywhere. If you happen to fatally shoot someone while sporting a piece, you may have a hard time finding a decent public defender. But that’s a moot point anyway, because you’ll need a great defense attorney to save your skin if those same legislators successfully abolish the requirement for a unanimous decision to levy the death penalty.—S.R.





Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images
Matt Ryan of the Atlanta Falcons

OUR SPORTS TEAMS

We loved the Braves when they won the World Series and clinched a record 14 division titles. These days? Not so much. We sniffed at the Hawks forever, then scrambled for room on the bandwagon last year when they took the Celtics to seven games in the first round of the playoffs. We love the Falcons—right now—but not the way Pittsburgh fans love the Steelers through thick and thin, through victory and defeat. And who even remembers that we have a professional hockey team? Let’s face it: We’re fair-weather fans.—K.F.M.





Shirley Franklin
Frank Mullen/Getty Images for Verizon Wireless

SHIRLEY FRANKLIN

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Remember when Atlanta Mayor Shirley Franklin was named one of the country’s five best big-city mayors by TIME magazine? That was only a few years ago, but it seems like it happened in another lifetime. That may be because Franklin’s been out of sight more than she’s been at the helm since winning re-election in November 2005. With a projected budget shortfall of more than $50 million and a police department criticized for an increase in brazen violent crime, Franklin recently proposed a plan to save money by cutting fire services. Does anyone else remember Detroit’s “Devil Nights”? Shirley we haven’t sunk so low …—S.R.





Photo by Stephen Lynch
If you’ve got a Confederate flag tattoo on your back … you just might be a redneck.

REDNECKS

Frankly, we’re tired of the popular perception of Southerners as not-too-bright good-ol’ boys and girls who live in trailers, don’t know Tom Wolfe from Tom Cruise, and drive pick-up trucks on which gun racks and Confederate plates come standard. The only thing we’re more tired of, in fact, is the backwards Bubbas and rootin’-tootin’ racists who perpetuate the stereotype and make life harder for the rest of us.—K.F.M.

“HAPPY ENDING” SPAS

“Naked massage cost you more money, Joe.” Where did that phrase originate? "M*A*S*H"? “The Deer Hunter”? “Platoon”? We think it was born in Atlanta, in any one of countless strip-mall massage establishments, as plentiful as Starbucks, where the list of services is called a menu and there’s nary a food staple on it. We’re not complaining, we’re just explaining. Everybody wants a happy ending, after all. It’s just that in Atlanta, that happy ending can be accomplished in 20 minutes or less or your money back.—S.R.





Gov. Perdue with his vasectomy patient.
CREDIT: Spark St. Jude

SONNY PERDUE

He prays for rain and it comes. He can neuter a dog without batting an eye, and yet he would prefer that abstinence were the only state-funded form of pregnancy prevention. Still, at least he believes in neutering—just look at how he’s snipped the cojones off the state’s Democratic Party. Gov. Perdue was re-elected with almost 60 percent of the vote in 2006, beating his Democrat opponent in many counties by a 5-1 margin—a thrashing so sound it will go down in the history books. So no matter how much you may hate him, clearly somebody out there—or up there—loves him.—S.R. SP